Dinner of Champions

This weekend I made these cookies.  They are candy-corn crunch cookies, and I substituted white chocolate for the milk chocolate chips.  They are monster cookies-- each cookie is 1/4 cup of dough.


I have eaten. . . more than I intended.  I may have had one for breakfast AND dinner last night, with a bean and cheese chimichanga sandwiched in the middle for lunch.  So even though I dipped my foot briefly into the 159 territory on Sunday, I have waved it goodbye and settled back in the 160's.

Ladies, I hope you have the time of your lives in Chicago.  I will miss you but I can't wait to hear about the shennanigans when it's all said and done.

Curses!

My students insisted that I should play Words with Friends (through Facebook- I downloaded the app on my iPad)

I listened, and now I'm sort of addicted.

So if you are a player, my username is. 

My One-Year Bandiversary

Today it has been one-year since I was banded.

In some ways I feel no different.  I am the same person after all, and I had such a "healthy" sense of denial from a day-to-day perspective that it wasn't like I was miserable being morbidly obese.  I had accepted it and loved myself anyway.  But, there is no doubt whatsoever that life is a bit different one-year later.  The lap-band has been such a gift and I thank God that I was given this opportunity to get to a healthier weight before I developed any medical complications (not including the back/foot pain) related to my weight.

A year ago, I weighed 264 on the day of surgery.  I had weighed 286 in August after returning from vacation, and my high weight was 293.  I low-carbed my way down before surgery to get a jump start and I truly believe that it was the key to my success.  I got my mind on board before the band was on board, so I was ready and already practicing "doing my part". Today I weigh 161 and I generally eat what I want, just a lot less of it.

A year ago, I wore a 3x in shirts, a 46G bra, and 24 pants.  Today I wear a M in shirts, a 34F bra, and a 10 (closer to 8 than 12) in pants. Even though I've been stalled at my current weight for a month, my clothes are fitting more loosely. 

A year ago, my measurements were:
Bicep: 17
Breasts: 51
Ribcage: 46
"Top Roll": 53 (this is where my waist is supposed to be)
Hips: 56
Thigh: 30

Today my measurements are:
Bicep: 12
Breasts: 38
Rib: 34
Waist: 34
Hips: 38
Thigh: 22

My measurements do reflect a lot of excess skin (my breasts and stomach), but I'm ok with it for now until I can afford some plastic surgery.

A year ago, I intended to mark my one-year bandiversary with a final attempt at a successful pregnancy.  I'd been told the reason I was having miscarriages was my weight and that's what finally spurred me on to try bariatric surgery.  Today, though I've been told by every doctor I see that I'm "super fertile" because of the weight loss, I am no longer sure I want to have children.  Life is good, as-is.  It would be good with kids, too, I know, but maybe that's not the right path for my husband and I.

A year ago, as outgoing as I was, I was largely invisible to a lot of people without really knowing it.  Some of them were people I work with and it is really frustrating to have people acknowledge my existence now when they generally ignored me before (I'm talking to you, creepy coworker). Mostly it's strangers, and to be honest, primarily men.  Today, I get doors held open for me, I get checked out constantly, I get chatted up-- it's a strange, strange world.  If I were single, I'd be thrilled.  I'm not single though and while occasionally it's flattering (I'm talking to you, hot young fireman at the grocery store), usually I find it annoying to be constantly "ducking" my eyes not to invite attention. 

There are a lot of things I still need to work on.  I got yelled at during my "yearly" because my urine was so dark my doc said she's surprised I don't have kidney stones-- of course brought on because I don't drink water.  And I'm not talking 64 oz-- most days I probably don't even drink 16 oz of water.  I do two cups of coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night and that may be my liquid intake for the day.  I'm working on that.  I also don't take any vitamins, and I don't exercise.  There is a lot of room for improvement and I need to find that inner fire that got me this far to take me those next steps.

One of the best things about this year, though, was having BOOBS to turn to for support-- in laughter, in anger, and in sadness.  Everyone has lifted me up and in turn, accepted my support, and I truly give you all of the credit in the world for my success this year.  I honestly could not have done it without you.

-Yesterday, I turned 36.  Here I am in my cute little size medium dress, ready for a fancy-pants dinner and a night at the symphony with my husband.  Last year I would have been wearing a loose dress to "hide" my fat.  Last night I wore a looser fitting dress because of fashion!  Gasp, the thought.

Urk.

I am no longer a virgin, gentle readers.

Not in the way you are thinking-- that ship sailed a long, long time ago. No, this time I lost my innocence in a much more unpleasant context: the full stuck episode.

Stuck on my first bite of raw broccoli? Check. Horrible pain in my chest? Check. Slime? Check. Hiccups followed by the icky PB? Oh yes-- in fact, it took three cycles over 40 minutes to clear the pipe hole.

I made it 11 months + without experiencing this lovely lap-band phenomenon, thank god.

The good side is that because of my 2 days of liquids, I lost a lot of water weight and my scale is being momentarily friendly.

My semester starts tomorrow so I've been super busy working to get things ready. At the moment, I'm stuck at home working because my wood floors are being installed in the master bedroom. Not ideal timing, but I'm glad to get rid of the dog hair carpet that has accumulated over the last years no matter how many times I vacuum.

Updates on Me (Fascinating, I Know)

Update the first: I talked to my doctor about the Factor V Lieden issue, and she took me off my bcp and we talked prevention (stuff like hydration and semi-frequent stops/walking during long car trips or plane trips). Of course she wouldn't go so far as to openly disparage the fertility specialist, but she did think it strange that he prescribed me bcp after the genetic testing. Apparently it's a "new" genetic disorder (recognized within the last 10 years), but still-- Google, man! I will be discussing a copper IUD with my OB/GYN at the end of the month, but considering I already have issues with heavy bleeding/cramping, I'm afraid the IUD will be miserable. The second option is the Big V for my husband, since we are 99% sure we're not going to try for biological children anymore. Eh, we'll see.

Update the second: I am eating like I am in maintenance even though I'm not ready to call it quits on losing. But I've definitely not been in the correct mindset for losing- I pay practically zero attention to my diet and while it is exciting that I can do that and not GAIN, it's not where I want to be. I am holding pretty steady at 165 right now and I want to take off 20 more (ideally) and 10 more at the least. Then again, I seem to have bought myself a fall wardrobe that predicts I'm staying right here-- all size 10 pants with nary an 8 in sight. This is me today in my thrift-store steal size 10 Banana Republic slim fit pants (love) and my super-amazing-skinny shirt that makes me look smaller than I am. (This is me one year ago, for comparison)




Update the third: We went to see Death Cab for Cutie two weeks ago and had a GREAT time. We got floor tickets, which I never would have been able to do this time last year since my feet were in constant pain from the plantar fasciitis. Not only that, I bought a concert t-shirt in medium. Freaking medium! Concert t's are notorious for being smaller than advertised, imo, so I was surprised as anyone that it fit but it was a definite NSV.

BYOC

1. How much makeup do you wear daily, how long does it take you and are you loyal to certain brands?

Daily, none :) I wear basic Oil of Olay SPF 15 moisturizer and call it a day. But, I have of late begun to wear more and this is my regimen: Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer (in place of foundation), Clinique silver eye shadow, Shiseido eyeliner, Cover Girl lash blast mascara, and either Nars matte lip pencil (I have several colors) or Fresh Sugar Plum chapstick, which is amazing.

2. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them (or even if there is one) and you try to describe this person in 5 words/short sentences.

Your oldest paternal aunt

Artist
Free Spirit
Mom
One girl with 6 brothers
Warm

3. Tell me about your first real kiss and how old you were.

Oh wow. How bad is it that I don't really remember for sure? Why yes, I have kissed my fair share of young gentlemen. I will say it was probably a boy named Lincoln at church camp around 7th grade. Yes, at church camp. I'm telling you some down and dirty stuff went on there every year. Praise the Lord!!!! ;)

4. If I gave you $1000.00 and told you that you had to give it to a charity – which charity would you choose and why?

I would give it to the Rape Crisis program that I volunteer for. They do much needed work. American society likes to give lip service to sexual violence, but when it comes to the nitty gritty they'd prefer to believe that rape doesn't exist and that women who are violated are just "crying rape" or lying, or worse, that somehow they deserved it for not locking themselves away in their homes or because they dared to trust their guy friend and actually drank alcohol in his presence. It's horrible how we, as a society, treat women and girls and men who are the victims of sex crimes and I am proud to be a part of a program that makes it our mission to be there 100% for the survivor as they go through the forensic evidence collection process and beyond.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

I have been absent from blogland for about 2 weeks now and I miss you all! I spent the time trying to give myself an attitude adjustment, which has largely been successful. I also redid my bathroom-- painted the walls, replaced the showerhead, shower rod, towel bars, tissue holder-- everything, not to mention the towels and adding some art/decoration. We also finally bit the bullet and bought hardwood for our bedroom-- the installer comes in a week and my allergies can't wait (carpet and dogs do not mix).

Fat is Not The Cause of Every Ailment: Anger Issues!!

We are in the process of trying to shore up our retirement savings with an investment company that sets retirement through life insurance/disability insurance that rolls into dividends. Of course they are being super intrusive about our medical history before they admit us. Through this process, I was told that I have Factor V Leiden, a genetic clotting disorder (the underwriter ferreted it out of my medical record and had all kinds of questions to which I had no answers, because I've never heard of it).

To say that I'm angry is an understatement.

I know exactly where it comes from-- the only time I've ever had genetic testing was in 2009 by the fertility specialist after my last (of 3) miscarriages. I remember the conversation-- he said I had tested positive for a blood related disorder, but that it was no big deal because I only had one not two copies of the gene and that it couldn't explain my miscarriages but would mean I would probably need to go on aspirin early for future pregnancies to thin my blood.

And then he told me that nothing significant popped up otherwise and his best guess was that my miscarriages were because I was so fat, and that I should get lapband surgery before I tried to get pregnant again.

And then he prescribed me a birth control pill to prevent any accidental pregnancy until I had the surgery and sent me on my merry way.

Fast forward to now, when I'm told I have Factor V Leiden and they want to know what kind of treatment I'm receiving for it. The answer: none. I'd never even heard of the term (because the doc used these really general terms and basically acted like it was no big deal).

Um, except that it is a big deal. First, it is CLEARLY the cause of my last miscarriage without any doubt whatsoever. Factor V Lieden is a clotting disorder-- it makes you more likely to develop deep vein thrombosis, clots that travel to the lungs (pulmonary embolism), and surprise surprise, clots and miscarriages in women who become pregnant. In my last pregnancy, I had blood clots in the chorion right outside the placenta the entire pregnancy, which caused me to keep bleeding fairly heavily even though the baby was growing great with a normal heartbeat, etc. Seriously, I had weekly ultrasounds with it because we were monitoring the clot size and the baby size. And then at 13 weeks I lost it in the ER.

I did not have a miscarriage because I was fat. I had a miscarriage because these huge blood clots formed and compromised the uterus. But once again, obesity is the default reason for EVERY health problem in a fat person. How do you treat it-- just lose weight! Um, yeah, I have lost weight and from what I'm reading I'm still probably going to have blood clots during pregnancy that increase miscarriage, stillbirth, and traumatic birth. Thanks for that info, fertility specialist! Also, thanks for prescribing me birth control pills, which are absolutely contraindicated for someone with blood clotting disorder! Oh yeah, and for telling me to have surgery, but then not telling me to make sure I tell the doc about my blood clotting disorder which is a risk factor for surgery because that's when I'm most likely to experience a pulmonary embolism!

I'm just pissed beyond belief that I have to find out this info from a freaking life insurance underwriter. And yes, I'm pissed at myself that I just took in that nugget of info and took his word for it that it was no big deal and never even though to educate myself.