My Inner Teenager

Yesterday I had my first week weigh-in for Ideal Protein.

Start: 197
Week 1: 191.7
Down 5.3 lbs

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk experience.

When I have to tell myself "no", I usually battle my inner teenager.  I get pouty (usually internally), and whiny (whyyyyyyyyyy?????) and resentful that everywhere I look are people who are eating and drinking what they want and I have to be strict and focused.  It's not constant, but there are moments that test my abilities to resist temptation.

Some people might experience this when hungry, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't really think that was my problem.  I didn't necessarily feel hungry, and the moments that I did, I was able to do a quick salad that did the trick. For me, it is primarily feeling mentally deprived while ALSO feeling the mental challenge of vigilance toward habit-resets.

This week I encountered two days where I lost my internal resolve to get on track and went off the plan.  Both were social.  One I feel ok about (a glass of wine at an art show reception), and one was a bigger misstep I can't justify.  But I went out of my way to justify it at the time- at a meal with my visiting in-laws, I just convinced myself it wasn't fair to THEM that I was a wet-blanket when we went to a restaurant, so I had off-plan food AND 2 beers.

Yeahhhhh, I did it for them.

Yesterday, I had to admit that to my program coach, and it did not feel good.  And THAT is why I'm doing a supervised program rather than just doing low-carb on my own (which I know how to do).

But, hey, successes!

• I had 5 days on-plan.
• I sat at happy-hour last night with a water while everyone else had a couple beers.
• I lost 5 pounds!
• I got on here to blog.
• I have a plan for how to make this week more accountable.
• I did a better job planning dinners and lunches this week, and did a lot of the grocery and farmer's market shopping already.

So, letting go of my mistakes and moving ahead it is.

The Struggle and Successes of Maintenance

Wow, it has been a while!  In fact, it's been just over 4 years since I last checked in.

I come back to Blogger, as I have in the past, to journal about my ongoing weight and health changes, to hold myself accountable when things aren't going well, and to rededicate my efforts to live a life consistent with what makes me happy.

Where I've Come From:

In 2010, I had lapband surgery to treat my chronic morbid obesity.  I had just turned 35 and my highest weight was 289.  I went into surgery at 274 after my presurgical diet.

My weight loss period, in retrospect, was a breeze.  I lost consistently and I didn't have very frequent side effects.  As I look back on it, I realize that my band was never all that tight but it was certainly doing what it was best at- curbing my hunger.  I was also committed-- I followed a low-carb diet and I didn't drink much at all.  Within about a year, I was down to my low weight of 155 lbs.  I remember at the time that I went in for a plastic surgery consultation and I insisted I wanted to lose another 10 lbs, even though my bariatric surgeon and the plastic surgeon both thought I was at a good weight.

I bounced back up to about 160 within the next few months, and I stayed there pretty consistently for the next several years.  The thing is, it was easy.  I didn't have to try hard at all.  I went back to eating "regular" food.  I still had problems with bread getting stuck (still do!), but rather than avoiding it I kept pushing it.

I also started drinking wine.  Pretty much every single night.  Wine is easy down the band!  And it's "healthy", right?  I had heard about the concept of "addiction transfer" but it never seemed to apply to me.  I wasn't drunk, I wasn't having any problems, and I was living a  very full, rewarding and active life.

Then, last year, I experienced the most stressful (and also exciting) time in my life.  I made a massive career change and moved across the country with my husband.  And at the very same time (literally, as we were packing the truck), my mother became homeless and disabled and I moved her in with us and took over the insane mess of her finances and health care.  At the time of the move, my weight was at 170.  It was a gain, sure, but after so long doing so well maintaining, 10 lbs didn't seem like a big deal.

Over the past year, my weight steadily crept up and yesterday, I weighed in at 197.  I have been 100% aware of every pound.  I know exactly why I gained them all (alcohol and eating out more times than not- both at the same time). I just felt too stressed and overwhelmed to do anything about it but berate myself every night when I went to bed. But interwebs, that's changing!


Where I'm at Today (well, Yesterday):

It's over-- I'm not going to lose Onederland for behaviors that don't add meaning to my life.  Yesterday was my first day on Ideal Protein- I'm making the push to get back to my low-carb eating and that includes not drinking calories in the form of wine and beer.

For now, I'm going to leave my band relatively unfilled (because, yeah, see how I moved across the country away from my surgeon?).  If I need to hop on a plane for a fill in the future, I'll do it, but I really think I'll be ok.  I'm going to blog about some of the things I think I need to change in maintenance and I'm going to blog about the successes that my recent weight gain can't take away.

Exercise Weight Gain, Check.

So my scale is showing my exercise weight gain as I've topped 160 for the first time in a while. In fact, today was 162.6 which I haven't seen since my Christmas weight gain.

I do know some of it is water weight, but I also think I am using exercise as a reason to eat more.  I've read a number of studies that indicate one of the reasons that people who rely on exercise for weight loss aren't as successful as those who concentrate solely on diet (i.e. doing one or the other) is because exercisers tend to increase their calories by 2x as much as they burn because they overestimate the effect of exercise.  So, in other words, I burn 300 calories and then I consume an extra 600 for the day and then wonder why exercise isn't helping me lose weight.  Some of that is increased hunger from energy expenditure, but some of it is simply a mental "I get a treat now that I exercised because they cancel each other out", except that I overestimate the calories burned by my exercise and underestimate the calories in my treat.

I need to be real with myself here about my band, too.  I am definitely pushing my band.  Definitely.  Yesterday we went to the farmer's market and stocked up on awesomeness (the corn last night for dinner was tender and sweet and I love eating local). On the way home, we stopped at 5 Guys for lunch.  I cut my burger in half, and when I was finished with the first half (including bun, which I don't need and causes me problems 5 out of 10 times, so I don't know why I persist), I was definitely full.  Band said stop.  I even recognized it and said "I'm full".  Out loud. And then I picked off the bun from the second half and ate the meat and tomato, plus a few of my husband's fries.  I obviously felt sick and uncomfortably full.  I am going to have dilation (if I don't already) if I keep this up.

So today I've decided to start tracking my food for a while again and I'm going to do weekly weigh-ins on the blog.  I haven't been following rules or being mindful for a long time now.  It's time for a refresher course.  In fact, maybe I should do the 5-day pouch test thing?  We'll see.  I'll start with tracking on myfitnesspal and see where I go from there.

My goal is not to lose, but to get a handle on being band-friendly and mindful again.  This is such a mental battle. I've said it before and here I'll say it again: I am morbidly obese girl in a slightly overweight girl's body.  And if I'm not careful, I slide very quickly into unhealthy patterns.

In nicer news, I went to a running store and got fitted for shoes that will hopefully support my flat foot and hip flexor problems.  Aren't they pretty?

Brooks Adrenaline GTS12

I walked in them yesterday and did a short half-mile trial run in them today (yes, I ran, I know) in the middle of a longer walk-- and I LOVE THEM.  So far so good-- my feet feel very stable and supported and my hips aren't bothered at all. 

Accidental Exercise

Yesterday I accidentally went to a step circuit class. . . and it was fun.  I'll be doing that again.

I have tried step before and I have had problems catching on to the fast moves (that damn t-step thing I still can't figure out), which has left me frustrated.  I don't know why Zumba is mostly fine but step is difficult for my non-choreography-friendly brain to process.  But whatever.  So yesterday I thought I was going to a BodyCombat class, but when I got there, I must have had the times mixed up because it was definitely step.

Good workout though, so I'll be back!

I start summer classes next week, so I suppose I should start figuring out a schedule.  I'm glad it's only a month.   Other summer plans include a trip "home" for a Cardinals game in June, a visit from my new colleague and her partner in June while they search for an apartment, a visit from my mom in July, and a trip to the beach house with pups, sis-and bro-in-law, and friends in August.  Other than that, it's wide open but I suspect it will go by super fast.

Surgery, Socialization, and Service

So, I had my plastic surgery consult last summer, and the plan is to wait until next summer to do my tummy tuck and breast lift because I'll (hopefully) be on sabbatical in the fall of 2013 and that will give me months of recovery time. But apparently my husband is tired of hearing me moan about my sad sacks, and has suggested maybe I should look into doing my breasts this year and the tummy tuck next summer as planned (I don't have the money for both this summer, so that's off the table). I'm torn.  My head says wait-- just go through one recovery, one battle with unfilling and then refilling my band, one anasthesia risk, and a saved $1000 by doing them both at once.  It really is the SMARTEST thing to do.  But I'm so so tempted to go ahead and do the girls this summer so I can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering in horror (a slight exaggeration, don't worry about me too much).

Has anyone had a breast lift and want to comment on the process?  Last summer my surgeon said I should be fine with a lift-- I have enough tissue left to not need an implant, but I'm not sure if that is still the case.  My body sure has changed over the year, even if my weight has been fairly stable.

In other news, I am finally being a good dog mommy and taking my 7 year old dog to a training class for socialization issues.  She is sooo anxious around other dogs that she gets anxious-aggression (snapping) and this is my fault for not ever socializing her.  We went to our first class last night and I'm so proud of her.  Man, she was not happy in the beginning, crying at me and jumping on me to try to get me to leave (she is a muscular 55-lb dog), but eventually she calmed down and by the time we got home I could tell she was super-proud of herself. We have three more weeks of classes and after that, the training place lets you come back to the same class for free "refreshers".  My hope is that by the end of the summer when we go on vacation to Florida, I won't have to shut her up in a bedroom when our friends come to our beach house for the weekend with their dog.

Today marks a full-two weeks of me actually getting up every day and going on a walk.  Sometimes I take the pups, and sometimes I go by myself.  I tried to jog yesterday and realized quickly that I'm just not mentally ready for it.  On the one hand, I'm afraid that if I push myself to run too soon (an activity I actually loathe), then I'll just quit everything in order to avoid it.  On the other hand, I just don't feel like walking is a good workout for me anymore and I need to do more to get my heart rate up.  I'm just trying to tell myself it's about the habit for now-- even if all I do is walk all summer, if I do it every day and make it a part of my routine, then who cares if it takes me a while to push myself to do more.  Walking every day is a hell of a lot more than I've done in many many many years.

Right now I'm waiting, for the second day in a row, for the air maintenance person to show up and do the summer service on our central air.  I HATE WAITING ON SERVICE CALLS.  Why the hell can't they make an appointment with me for a time?  Why do I have to sit around my house uselessly for four hours (or more) until they show up?  I understand emergency calls take precedence, but they have my freaking phone number-- would it be so hard to CALL ME???? I don't even want to go lay out by my pool, because I don't want to be in my swimsuit when the dude shows up at my house.  Argh.  *shakes fist in useless frustration*

Happy Long Weekend, U.S. Folks

It's been a while, but I've been thinking of you guys as I just got back from two work trips to Chicago this month and thought. . . . hmmm, I should see when the B.O.O.B.S convention is.  I'm thinking about coming this year-- have I missed out on everyone looking for roommates?

Updates on Me:  I got tenure and was promoted this spring at work, and other than that my life is stagnant.  I'm actually in the midst of a mini-mid-life crisis at the moment for that reason I think.  I'll just throw that out there and then leave it :)  Don't worry, I'm not a downer, just trying to figure out a new goal since my weight and career are check-boxed.

Weight is the same as it has been- steady at 158.  I've accepted it as my maintenance weight and am no longer trying to lose.  I'm not happy about it, but I'm not upset about it either-- it is what it is and it's easy.  Now that I'm not obsessing about losing anymore, I'm finally closer to a steady workout plan (for those of you who don't remember-- I never lose when I exercise--ever) to build up my strength and tone. Part of my mid-life crisis was realizing I need a hobby, so I decided exercise would be a worthwhile one. Who knows, maybe I can channel life angst into exercise fanatacism and actually become fit- ha!

Hi from Me!!!

Today we are off to Atlanta to watch the Cardinals play the Braves.  It's supposed to be hot as hell, but I plan to be a bad bandster and get a cold beer to help me through the heat :)  Hope you all are well and having a good weekend.

Bandster Blogs Are All Grown Up. . . *wipes tear of pride*

Oh Anonymous, flaming poster, you've finally arrived to bandster-blog land, officially annointing us as true Interwebs Members.  We've been accepted into the douchey, flamey, inner-circle.

In all seriousness, it seems there is a little epidemic of nasty Anonymous posters lately.  I'm sorry for those whom Anonymous has struck (I'm assuming it's more than one anonymous), but please don't let it get you down.  It comes with the territory.  Something about social communities where people can "hide" brings out the nastiness, even among people who are normally very nice, and it seems to happen in clusters.

So, keep on posting, sisters, and ignore the nasty.  And if you're considering joining the Anon fray and getting something off your chest, I'd urge you to reconsider whether that's really the person you want to be, because we may not know who you are, but you know.