The Day Before

This is another lifestyle change blog. I'm doing it for me, to chronicle my progress and set-backs.

I am 33 (almost 34) and I have a great life. I have an awesome husband whom I've been married to for 9 years. I have my dream job as a college professor at a small liberal arts college. I have great friends, financial security, and two dogs that I treat like children. And, I'm generally healthy--except for the whole morbid obesity thing. My cholesterol is a little out-of-whack, but otherwise, the consequences of obesity have yet to hit at full force.

Tomorrow, I'm officially beginning my journey (ack, I hate that word in reference to weight loss, but oh well) toward bariatric surgery. I will complete 4 more months of supervised weight loss, and then will schedule my surgery as soon as the insurance company approves it. I hope to do the LapBand procedure, because even though it isn't quite as effective as bypass, it is reversible and there is something really psychologically comforting about that to me. Until then, my doctor has advised me to increase my protein and cut my sugars/carbs to better approximate what my diet regimen will be post-surgery.

The thing that is motivating this major change now is fertility. I've been pregnant three times and I've had three miscarriages, the last one happening this February. Our specialist can't find any reason for this, other than bad luck, but everyone seems to think that taking the weight off would probably help. . . certainly won't hurt. I started my supervised weight loss in March, but I wasn't really committed to going through with it, and consequently putting off any more attempts at pregnancy until I've completed the process and gone a year post-surgery. But with my doctor and my husband, we made the decision on Thursday that I'm going to officially postpone pregnancy until after I've done the surgery.

And I'm ready for it. I'm ready to go through this change, develop a new lifestyle, and then try again when I'm at a healthier weight and I've got healthier habits to pass on to our children.

I've resisted the idea of weight loss surgery for a long time because it seems so drastic and I haven't ever really seen myself as "fat enough" to need it. But wow, I am. It's still sort of hard for me to accept that. I don't feel as fat as I am. I am confident, have high self esteem and I feel generally attractive; I've not been the subject of cruelty from other people for being fat. But I'm 5'6", weigh 293 lbs, and I have a BMI of 47. Holy shit!

So yeah, I'm "fat enough" all right. In fact, I'm fat enough that I think I'm going to have to fight my surgeon to get the Lap Band instead of the full bypass.

Tomorrow I'm starting a new phase of my life. I'm excited, and scared of failure, but I'm going to do it. I hope that this time next year I'll look back at this post and be healthier and wiser.