Saturday, April 30, 2011

I think I'm paranoid (now I have Garbage stuck in a loop in my noggin)

I'm a mess, dear blog friends.

I've reached that sick point where all my body wants to do is cough those deep, chest jarring coughs meant to dislodge all of the nasty mucous that has adhered itself like super glue to my insides.

And of course that means I'm terrified I'm going to slip my band with coughing, a paranoia which is not helped by the pain in my chest from coughing (which of course I attribute to the band slipping, instead of the phlegm dislodging, because anxiety and logic do not go hand in hand, amiright?)

I have also been completely stalled in weight loss because apparently, I have zero will power when I'm sick. I have eaten so much sugar over the past two weeks (Cadbury eggs, ice cream, reese's peanut butter eggs, key lime pie, brownies-- should I go on?) than I have all combined since surgery, and probably double that. Today for lunch I had chips dipped in ranch dip and Reese's.

As I laid in bed after my carb binge, feeling guilty, I realized I am definitely still a fat person stuck in a less-fat-person's body. I have been very motivated by the surgery and my successes, and the band has certainly helped in all of the ways I expect it to, but at the end of the day I still very much have it in me to stall out right here and start slowly but surely gaining it all back. I have gone from 293 lbs to 185, but if left to my own devices, part of me still wants to eat like a 293 lb person. I like sugary, fatty, carby foods. They taste really good. I like eating food that tastes good, and more than that, I like eating as much of it as I can.

This is why I've never been able to maintain weight loss in the past. I've said it before-- I'm great at losing weight, but I find it impossible to keep it off. Once I reach a certain point and really feel like a success, the smallest derailment (like getting sick) can get me right off track and back to the usual food orgy. I've noticed that lately I'm eating at fast food places again-- which frankly is about as big of a warning sign as I can get. There's no reason for it other than not being mindful and careful to pack a good lunch, or go to the grocery store so I have appropriate food stocked on hand. I get lazy, careless, and off track and then I'm right back where I was, addicted to the taste and the feeling of carb-lethargy after a binge.

I know what I need to do to get back on track, and I will do it. I guess I just needed to get it out there in black and white.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Well How Do You Like Them Apples?

Today my husband said I was annoying him.

And I hugged him and gave him a kiss, because it was a sweet thing to say.

Huh? Zwhat?

I was back in the ill-fitting swimsuit, grabbing some sun. And I was being critical again. And husband called me crazy and told me I was seriously, no lie, annoying him.

So I laughed, and said, hey, this is what girls who care about how they look do-- they are self-critical. He just wasn't used to it because I never cared before.

And he said that me being so confident and accepting of my body all of these years was one of the things that he really really liked about me.

So I had to give him some love.

But now I'm mad at him, because my next mini-goal, after reaching onederland, was to weigh less than him. And now that I am closing in, he's sick and not eating and I can't catch him! Bastard.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Being around sick people has made me sick. What are the odds?

Being sick has made me give the finger to my band. I am finding it hard to care about shoving things into my mouth today. I have a sore throat and a COMPLETE lack of energy, so I want things like ice cream, and ice cream. If I had Easter candy, I'd be eating it.

I started to question today whether I need a fill. I've been averaging a loss of about 10lbs a month since surgery, but I'm short this month (8 lbs instead of 10) and like I said, my portion sizes are UP. But then I looked at my birth control pack and realized that I'm in that time of month that is always a struggle for me (mid-cycle, for some reason). Add to that the fact that I don't feel good when I overeat (proving that the band is, in fact there, and doing something) and I think maybe I'm doing just fine.

Eh, we'll see.

Hubby is sick too, and has developed a middle ear infection complete with swollen tongue, so he's a joy to be around. We are one partying household, let me tell you.

Happy Easter to all who celebrate.

Monday, April 18, 2011


Vegas was a blast. I went with my good friend from Texas, and a friend of hers that I've interacted with for years online (but never met in person) from New Zealand. We spent the first part of Friday night at Fremont. Now, Fremont is an experience, because it's about 50% of folk who visit the dentist mixed with 50% of folk who are missing a significant number of their teeth. The dancers are a little broke-down, if you know what I mean, you can easily find a crack house a block off the street, and all in all it's a bit of a freak show.

Which of course makes it awesome to visit, especially when you've got a tourist from New Zealand with you. I saw that MandaPanda did the zipline there earlier this week-- that looked awesome! I'm jealous-- but the line was just way too long for me to want to wait.

We countered Fremont by ending the night at the Bellagio (talk about night and freaking day), and then got a good night sleep.

Saturday we went shopping at the Forums and then got dressed up that night to do dinner, a comedy show, and then gambled at the Paris. I'm not a big gambler, but I had a great time watching my friend win $300 at the craps table. But the absolute BEST part of the trip, and believe me, I feel very vain saying this, was all of the attention I got from young, good looking guys.

I'm not gonna lie. It was very ego-inflating to get serious, obvious attention in a place filled with young, thin, beautiful people. I was nervous about dressing up (and I appreciate all of your kind comments on my fashion police post-- you all gave me the courage to do it), but it turned out ok- haha!

Saturday night I got about 2 hours of sleep before I had to leave for the airport, but it was so much fun and totally worth it.

On the eating front, I'm not doing great. Lately I keep pushing myself too far-- I keep eating past the point I know I need to stop and then I pay for it with discomfort. Always, always at dinner time. Ugh, why do I do this? I have seriously got to get my crap together. I'm seriously worried about stretching my pouch if I keep this up and there's no reason for it beyond gluttony. It's not like I'm depriving myself from eating things I enjoy-- so I can afford to watch my freaking portions and stop when I'm not hungry, no matter how good it tastes.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Vegas, Baby V.2-- Be My Fasion Police

Ok, so FINALLY this weekend is my girl's trip to Vegas.

I'm looking forward to it very much. I'm not a gambler, so the times I've been to Vegas by myself have been less than exciting. This will be my first time for a non-work function.

I have been going CRAZY trying to find the right dress to go out in (we're dressing up one night and doing jeans the other night). I have bought 3 dresses. The first two weren't right for various reasons (one I bought in size 14 months ago and it's a little big now-- just don't like it as much, the other I just bought but realized it is too short unless I want to be pulling it down all night, paranoid about showing my business). I think I have decided on this one, but I need your honest opinions:

It's simple but comfortable, and I think, flattering. Is the necklace ok? I think my friend is wearing sequins, but I think this will hold up to that anyway. But what do you think?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

No Exercise = Swimsuit Drama

Weigh-in this morning: 188.4.

It's the next-to-last week in the Spring Challenge, but I suspect this will be my low point. I will be in Vegas for a girl's weekend next weekend before the final weigh-in, so I'll be lucky if I hold steady and don't gain. Very lucky.

I enjoy doing the challenges. I will never win one, but I have fun with them and I like that my entry fee goes to someone who has worked their band super hard and has seen great losses.

I haven't done any exercise for 3 weeks. I suck. I have a treadmill and spin bike in my house, I have $3 Zumba classes 10 minutes away, and I have 4 yoga classes paid for and ready to go to as soon as I make myself go. I skipped my last 3 belly dancing classes, mostly because I just wasn't that into it. But I do love the Zumba and the yoga, so my lack of activity is all about me being lazy when it comes to exercise.

I think my goal for this summer is going to be to get into a steady exercise routine. I mostly want to do this because, in complete honesty, I hate the way my body is so jiggly. It has little to do with health, or even weight loss, but is all about the vanity.

Yesterday this really hit home again when I put on my bathing suit to enjoy some sun. And it still doesn't fit! It's a new tankini in size 14. I'm wearing smaller clothes than that now, so I don't understand why the tankini top still rides up so much and the bottoms roll down at the waist.

Well, that's a lie-- I do know why. My freaking belly! I knew, going into this, that I was going to have to have a tummy tuck at the end but I have to admit that I still find it incredibly demoralizing to be making all of this progress but still have to deal with my double-decker belly. The top roll bothers me the most in regular clothes, but put a swimsuit on me and they both make an unsightly appearance.

I was whining to my husband last night and I asked him what the heck I was going to do if my new suits didn't fit me properly by July when we go to the DR. And he said, "they will, and if they don't, you'll buy one that does fit".


It was a nice reality check in the face of my emerging insecurity.

Sometimes, I think I liked my body image better when I was fat and didn't give a crap how I looked in a swimsuit.

Anyway, it looks for sure like summer 2012 will be spent picking up extra summer classes so I can earn the money for my much-needed tummy tuck after all. Because I just don't think I'll be one of those people who can be happy just looking better in regular clothes.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Oz Rebuttal

As suggested by Amy W., I am going to post what I eat as a lap-bander who is just over 6 months out from surgery.

Breakfast: 2 cups of coffee, followed a half-hour later with a Zone Perfect protein bar (typically Cinnamon Roll, 210 cal, 22 g carb, 15 g protein)

Lunch: leftovers! Particular favorites= 4 meatballs with sausage marinara sauce (meat with meat sauce, as I call it), salad with deli chicken and cheese, a piece of thin crust pizza, or if I'm really busy I eat turkey pepperoni and cheese cubes

Dinner: oh so much. Last night I had 3oz of steak with sauteed mushrooms and a side of spinach-artichoke dip with low-carb crackers, the night before I had a steak, onion, and green pepper quesadilla made with a low-carb tortilla; I often have baked fish with a side of veggies, or "skillet chicken" sauteed with vegetables, or a hamburger without the bun, or a lighted breaded and baked pork chop, or chicken enchiladas (assume some vegetables-- a salad or a steamed side throughout).

If I snack, which is not every day but if so, usually in the late afternoon, I snack on: peanuts, cheese, hummus with low-carb crackers, kalamata olives-- something that is "munchy". I often try to substitute a cup of decaf coffee for a snack if I'm higher on calories for the day. I have a skinny cow truffle bar maybe 2-3x a month but otherwise have given up dessert.

I eat very well, and sometimes I do splurge on nachos or chicken wings or pasta or pizza (carbs!). The only thing my band doesn't like me to eat is french fries-- but onion rings still go down well ;) I have lost 75lbs since the day of my surgery and 104 lbs overall.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Glug, Glug. . . Blergh

Friday night was date night with the hubby-- I put on my sexy size 12 dress and a pair of heels and we were off.

Started at the bar portion of one of the "fancy-pants" restaurants we like. I had two glasses of wine there and ordered the scallops-on-half shell from the appetizer menu for dinner. There were three, they were amazing, and I was appropriately full.

Problem came later-- because apparently, three small scallops is not enough food to counter-act 5 glasses of wine.

After dinner, we went to the symphony (loved!). While there, I drank two more glasses of wine. It should be noted that the second of those was against my better judgment but at the urging of my husband.

Then we went home. And I had ANOTHER glass of wine while we listened to music and chilled.

Saturday I was seriously and completely hung-over ALL DAY. I never threw up, but I had a headache like whoa that three doses of tylenol wouldn't touch. My whole body felt "off" and even though I really wanted to eat (eating greasy food has been my hangover treatment of choice for many years), I wasn't able to eat much. By the end of the day, when it just wasn't getting better, I had some moments of wondering whether 5 glasses of wine on 3 scallops had somehow managed to damage my stomach.

Sunday I was fine, thank goodness.

Today on the scale, I dipped my toe into the 180's (189.6). I would really like to see 185 by the 15th, but I'll need to do a better job with my eating if I do want to see that. I also need to do better with my vitamins-- my blood work had me barely in the good range for Vitamin D and low on B12.

Hope you all had a great weekend.