Centenarian

Today I weighed in at 192.6, which means I am 100 lbs down from my pre-surgery high weight of 293.

Whee!

I was 264 on surgery day, so it will be a while before I make the "official" 100 lb mark, but I don't care about that. Every pound that I lost was in preparation and anticipation of the surgery and was a part of this journey.

Thanks for supporting me so far!

My Body Just Punked Me

Yesterday, I managed to do ok on the food front, though the 8 pieces of sushi I had for dinner was probably a bit much :)

I am a daily weigh-er, which really works for me except for once in a blue moon when it doesn't. I know how my body works, and I know how I lose, and I never ever count slight up-ticks within 2 lbs because I KNOW it isn't real gain. I only count new lbs lost and this has worked great for me on all levels.

Except once in a blue moon when it doesn't.

So today, after my crappy attitude yesterday and my 2 weeks full of drinking lots of empty calories, I step on and I see 195.0.

Now, for the past couple of days I've been seeing 194.6 or so, so this is no big deal, and clearly within my usual variation. But I let it get to me enough that I didn't put it on my dry-erase calendar, where I have tracked every day since the month before surgery. And then I went into the kitchen and made a pancake for breakfast (uh, I typically low carb). I didn't eat much of it, but the point was that I was deliberately sabotaging myself because I just didn't care DAMNIT!

Then, over the morning, I developed a super strong craving for a hamburger-- with bun (because without the bun, that's totally within my allowed foods and wouldn't be a splurge, you see?). And I decided that I should also get some kind of dessert to follow it. Chocolate chip cookies would be best but I'd settle for ice cream.

So I hop in the shower to get ready to go out. And I hop out and see my scale, and because I'm in a self-hating sabotage party, I decide to hop on again to torture myself. And it says 193.6.

So I move it to a different spot on the floor and step on again. And it says 193.6. This was my previous low weight that I've been bouncing trying to break through.

Well, you might think I'd be happy to see that the early morning uptick was a fluke. And I was! But I had also completely talked myself into the hamburger by this point and I decided I should just cave in, get it (but no dessert), and then put it behind me.

So I go out and right next to my favorite hamburger place is the Thrift Store. I go into the store to look around and right away see a brand new pair of Jones New York dress pants for $4. They are a size 10, but I decided that they were super nice and I'd be able to wear them by fall. I buy them, go next door, get a hamburger AND onion rings (uh, yeah), and take it home to eat it. I ate most of the hamburger and half of the onion rings. They were delish, by the way. Then I decided to torture myself post-binge by trying on the pants to see how far they were from fitting.

Dudes.

They fit. Buttoned, zipped, fit snug but no wriggling required to get it done.

WHAT? Ok, so they are clearly mutant size 10's that someone must have donated to the thrift store because they bought them thinking they'd fit and found they were too big. I know I'm not really in a size 10 because not even all size 12's fit me yet. But I DON'T CARE. Because this was my body (through the power of God) giving me a message about my stupid self-pity induced food orgy.

It was thoughtless and ridiculous. And if I want to weigh 293 lbs again, I should just keep that crap up.

I got schooled, ya'll.

Wah, Wah, Debbie Downer

Bleh.

That pretty much sums up my mood today. I'm just not feeling it-- "it" being everything. I actually left my house this morning PLANNING to stop at Burger King and get a croissant breakfast sandwich because I was feeling defeated. I didn't-- I was able to fairly easily talk myself out of it once I got in the car, but this was a prime example of emotional eating at its finest.

I have been consuming empty calories in the form of wine every day for two weeks. I went out with the girls last night and ate too much Greek food (which included saganaki, salad, and shrimp tsepi-- at least I didn't eat the pita, only the inside), stuffing myself silly.

At said dinner, which was a birthday dinner for two friends (we all work together), one birthday girl (M) picked a fight with the second birthday girl (A) right at the end. M had already managed to make me feel like shit by completely denigrating work I do (writing book chapters instead of publishing journal articles in my field is "less than", which I know, but I really didn't need her going on about what a joke they are and how it makes her respect people less when I'm sitting right there). Then she picked the fight as we were almost ready to leave. I won't go into details, but basically, A has been doing some work with M but A has gotten a new job and has had to pull back a little-- M doesn't think it's fair for various reasons.

I absolutely know this sequence of events is why I feel bleh today. M is "new" to our group in the last two years and though I had my doubts about her early on, I've pushed past that and welcomed her with open arms. But last night made me realize-- I don't think I like her very much as a person. I think she acts too young for her 29 years, that she is selfish and rude, and that she has an ego that is completely out of line with her actual abilities.

I'm sort of sad to lose a friend, and I'm not sure how to act since we work together and I see her every day. Maybe I shouldn't write her off-- it would be more mature and reasonable to have a frank conversation with her, I think, but I also think that would only change how she acts around us and I've discovered I am just not a fan of the person she is underneath it all. When she lets loose and really shows her true colors, I consistently find her arrogant and close-minded.

So anyway, today is a struggle and it's only 9:30 a.m. But I clearly know WHY I'm feeling what I am-- maybe that will help me stay mindful of my eating and my urges to eat gross fast food to comfort myself :)

I wish you all a much more pleasant Friday!

Ah, The South

I actually laid out on my deck today. The pool water is still too frigid for even up-to- knee dipping, but it was 80 and sunny and I wore one of my new suits.

Holy moly was that thing a pinch too small. But it should fit pretty perfectly in 10 more lbs so it will be good for this summer (unless it gets too big).

I have wasted away this spring break when I've had so much work that I need to catch up on, but oh well. It has been way too beautiful to spend time indoors.


Speaking of swimsuits-- If any of the sisterhood could use them in the 3x range, let me know. I have 2 black bottoms and 3 mix-n-match tankini tops that are in super good shape-- 2 of which I only wore toward the very end of last summer. I'd be happy to send them to anyone who is interested.

Thanks for the kind words.

I appreciate all of the kind words you all had for my photo comparison post. It's shocking to look at. And also funny, because my before pictures were taken the day we got back from a beach vacation and I love how I'm tan everywhere except for my neck-- apparently, the sun couldn't get there :)

A couple of people have asked what I do, or how I've been successful. I find myself reluctant to share it, because I honestly think that it isn't any different than what most people do. One thing I've realized through the last 6 months is how HARD I had to work to get and stay that obese, because my body seems more than happy to give up the pounds with what feels like minimal effort on my part.

I was talking with my husband about this last night, though, and he thinks I'm crazy about the minimal effort part. And I had an "aha" moment about how I'm doing things anyone needs to do to lose weight (cutting calories and for me, cutting carbs), but the band makes that seem so freaking easy compared to what it's like without the band.

So here is what I do (feel free to skip):

First, the band. I have a fill of 2.5cc's in a 10 cc band. It is working perfectly at this level. It provides me with a feeling of satiation after much smaller portions of food. And if I eat two bites over that satiation point, then it makes me feel uncomfortably full. However, I have never gotten fully stuck, vomitted, or had reflux issues. It does not truly prevent me from eating anything, though french fries and flaxseed crackers go down so slow that I have stopped eating them for fear they might get stuck one day.

Because of the help of the band, I find it easy to restrict what I'm eating without FEELING like I'm dieting. But, I am. I do not count or journal or otherwise engage in behaviors that mentally feel like dieting to me. But, on the occasions that I get curious about my calories, they count up to be around 1000 on average. Yesterday I was "snacky" and I thought I was having a bad day, only to actually count and realize that I was at 900 calories at the end of the day (apparently, getting snacky with a 35 calorie cheese wedge and 35 calories of crackers isn't a big deal). The day before, I had a chilli relleno for lunch so I know I was probably on the 1200 calorie side of things. But it seems to even out to a fairly low calorie average.

I also limit my carbs. On the typical day, I do not eat starches, breads, pastas, rices, or sugars. But, again, because it's important for me to have some balance in my life, I'm not crazy about it. I have pizza about once or twice a month (thin crust), I have pasta once every two months or so, and I do shrimp quesadillas, umm. . . more often--maybe once a week (one medium wrap folded in half with cheese, jalapenos, and shrimp). When I make those choices, I limit the portion and I try to go for whole grain tortillas and pastas, unless I'm having it at a restaurant. I practically never eat bread and I very rarely do sweets, though again, I have had them-- just not regularly enough for them to impact my weight loss.

This was what I ate yesterday: a banana, a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese with those low-carb whole wheat crisps, a beef bratwurst with mustard (no bun), 4 cubes of cheese, a serving of summer sausage and some hummus for dinner. It was sort of a weird day because of the processed meat and no vegetables, but I'm cleaning out the freezer and just eating the protein we have. The day before I had a protein bar for breakfast, a chili relleno and some chips/salsa for lunch, 3-4 olives for a snack, a salad and about 4 slices of summer sausage for dinner.

As you can see, because I limit carbs, I don't limit fats. Before you worry about me, let me tell you that I went OFF of my cholesterol meds within two months of starting to eat this way (before surgery) and this diet is 100% doctor encouraged and approved.

In terms of exercise, I don't have a very cardio-intensive exercise plan. I really have just started adding exercise in over the past two months and it's heavier on toning and stretching muscle (yoga, and belly dancing) than cardio (Zumba twice a week). I do expect I will have to pick this up more in the future, but cutting calories and carbs has been doing the work for me so far.

Finally, I think what's key for me is keeping my head engaged. I question myself a lot when I want to be snacky, or when I want to go eat at a restaurant instead of eating at home/work (restaurant eating was a BIG part of my former life). If I don't let myself mindlessly follow my former habits, I find that I can cut out a lot of eating-for-eating sake. I substitute decaf coffee with sugar-free hazlenut creamer for food a LOT in the late afternoon/evening danger zone, for instance.

Ugh. Part of the reason I don't like talking about all of this is that now as I read it, it sounds like a diet and I HATE diets. But, thank goodness for my band because it hardly ever feels like a diet.

Progress Pics:7 months

The 17th will be my six-month bandiversary. Yesterday (and today), I've had a "fat day"-- one of those days when I lost sight of my progress and have just felt really large. I decided to take a few full-body pics for comparison sake and then I drank a lot of red wine and decided, what the hell, I'm posting them on the Internet (eek!).

So here I am at 278. I was 15 lbs down from my high at this point, as a result of the 6-month diet. I lost another 14 lbs before my surgery on September 17th, 2010.

August 10th: The start of my unofficial pre-op diet

And here I am today, weighing in at 195. The jeans are designer and size 14-- the white pants are size 12. The shirts are both in size L.

March 15th, 2011- 2 days short of my 6-month bandiversary

I am continually amazed at the comparisons, and also about how quickly I (we?) lose sight of all of our progress. Today, I was looking at my upper stomach (that is really not a traditional muffin top in the jeans-- I just have one stomach right under my boobs that is there no matter how loose my pants are) and feeling really fat. But I look at the pictures and realize that's just crazy. Yes, I'm still obese, and according to the charts I will be for another 15 lbs). But I've come a long way.

And you know what? So have you. I've spent some time tonight on a message board with other September bandsters and so many of them are completely deflated at "only" losing 30-50 lbs. I understand there is a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, and I also understand that I am one of the "lucky" ones when it comes to this comparison so I probably don't have a lot of cred in this department. But still! Losing 30-50 lbs in 6 months is awesome! It's great progress. It's better than a pound a week, and I can guarantee it's better than anyone would have done in the same time period without the band.

I have the feeling my losses will be slowing down soon. I'm just getting close enough to the overweight/not obese BMI that it's inevitable. And I'm going to try really hard to remind myself that this is not a race-- that I've come a long way-- and that though I have a ways to go, I will get there eventually.

So will you, my friends! We are in this together, and we can do this as long as we don't get in our own way by psyching ourselves out, needlessly.

Handwriting Analysis

Jen at Jen's Lapband Journey started a handwriting meme and I thought it looked like fun. So here it is:

So if you want to play, here are the questions:

1. What is your name?
2. What is your blog name?
3. Write: the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
4. Favorite quote
5. Favorite song
6. Favorite band/singers
7. Say anything you want
8. Pass it along to a few bloggers

In other news: I had to replace my grannies with new, smaller grannies. As much as I loved them, they were saggy to the point of ridiculousness. Don't worry, ladies. I did just get an appropriately sized granny to replace them :)

Yoga

Just got to work after my first foray into yoga. It was Bikram Yoga, so I was sweaty. But I gotta tell you, it was pretty awesome. There are certainly things that didn't feel good-- mostly the Japanese sitting pose (on knees, sitting back on ankles), but supposedly it gets better with practice.

I plan to add it into my rotation: Now I'm doing yoga on Friday, Zumba on Saturday and Sunday, and belly dancing on Monday.

Woot!

My first official announcement-- I weighed in this morning after a weekend of travel/no scale, and I am in Onederland!

(Again, please ignore the shadows of my thighs--
I promise the goodies are covered by underwear)

This was a somewhat unexpected development because I was not the best eater while traveling. I indulged in calorie-laden Starbucks in the airport, ate some cheesecake (I was in Philly after all!), had fried spring rolls for dinner one night and horrible airport food-court Chinese food another (lo-mein and another fried egg roll). This all still might catch up with me with a short rebound in a few days but I don't care. I saw the 198.2!

What I had PLANNED to blog about today were the NSV's of my trip. First, the dreaded airplane seat belt! I don't think I fully realized what a mental issue this was for me before until traveling without the extra anxiety. It was blissful not to have to worry, or to have to travel with my arms crossed over my chest because I didn't want to spill over into someone else's space, or to feel bruised on my thighs from the seat dividers where they pushed in.

Proof!

I have to say that being able to travel with my arms relaxed at my sides instead of crossed over my chest was the best-- even better than the seat belt victory.

Finally, I got hit on at the hotel bar. I was sitting by myself, having a drink and dinner, and a guy came over and struck up a conversation. Said he was from L.A. scouting for locations for a movie shoot. In my head, I was thinking, "porn?" but I didn't say it. I was so awkward, I hadn't flirted in ages. Immediately after we parted ways I texted my husband, all giggly. It was fun.

All in all, I've had a great couple of days. Thank you band!

Hips Don't Lie

Last night was my first belly dancing class.

Certainly not the first time my belly has danced (if you count jiggling as dance, which I believe you should), but the first time I've tried to use my muscles instead of my fat to make that happen.

I give it a thumbs up. We didn't do much besides learn steps and hand movements, but I had fun and I'm looking forward to next week where we try some group formations. It is American Tribal Style, so it's very much about improvisational group work as opposed to Shakira-like gyrating.

Not that I'm knocking Shakira. Girl can gyrate like woah.