I'm a mess, dear blog friends.
I've reached that sick point where all my body wants to do is cough those deep, chest jarring coughs meant to dislodge all of the nasty mucous that has adhered itself like super glue to my insides.
And of course that means I'm terrified I'm going to slip my band with coughing, a paranoia which is not helped by the pain in my chest from coughing (which of course I attribute to the band slipping, instead of the phlegm dislodging, because anxiety and logic do not go hand in hand, amiright?)
I have also been completely stalled in weight loss because apparently, I have zero will power when I'm sick. I have eaten so much sugar over the past two weeks (Cadbury eggs, ice cream, reese's peanut butter eggs, key lime pie, brownies-- should I go on?) than I have all combined since surgery, and probably double that. Today for lunch I had chips dipped in ranch dip and Reese's.
As I laid in bed after my carb binge, feeling guilty, I realized I am definitely still a fat person stuck in a less-fat-person's body. I have been very motivated by the surgery and my successes, and the band has certainly helped in all of the ways I expect it to, but at the end of the day I still very much have it in me to stall out right here and start slowly but surely gaining it all back. I have gone from 293 lbs to 185, but if left to my own devices, part of me still wants to eat like a 293 lb person. I like sugary, fatty, carby foods. They taste really good. I like eating food that tastes good, and more than that, I like eating as much of it as I can.
This is why I've never been able to maintain weight loss in the past. I've said it before-- I'm great at losing weight, but I find it impossible to keep it off. Once I reach a certain point and really feel like a success, the smallest derailment (like getting sick) can get me right off track and back to the usual food orgy. I've noticed that lately I'm eating at fast food places again-- which frankly is about as big of a warning sign as I can get. There's no reason for it other than not being mindful and careful to pack a good lunch, or go to the grocery store so I have appropriate food stocked on hand. I get lazy, careless, and off track and then I'm right back where I was, addicted to the taste and the feeling of carb-lethargy after a binge.
I know what I need to do to get back on track, and I will do it. I guess I just needed to get it out there in black and white.