Saturday, April 30, 2011

I think I'm paranoid (now I have Garbage stuck in a loop in my noggin)

I'm a mess, dear blog friends.

I've reached that sick point where all my body wants to do is cough those deep, chest jarring coughs meant to dislodge all of the nasty mucous that has adhered itself like super glue to my insides.

And of course that means I'm terrified I'm going to slip my band with coughing, a paranoia which is not helped by the pain in my chest from coughing (which of course I attribute to the band slipping, instead of the phlegm dislodging, because anxiety and logic do not go hand in hand, amiright?)

I have also been completely stalled in weight loss because apparently, I have zero will power when I'm sick. I have eaten so much sugar over the past two weeks (Cadbury eggs, ice cream, reese's peanut butter eggs, key lime pie, brownies-- should I go on?) than I have all combined since surgery, and probably double that. Today for lunch I had chips dipped in ranch dip and Reese's.

As I laid in bed after my carb binge, feeling guilty, I realized I am definitely still a fat person stuck in a less-fat-person's body. I have been very motivated by the surgery and my successes, and the band has certainly helped in all of the ways I expect it to, but at the end of the day I still very much have it in me to stall out right here and start slowly but surely gaining it all back. I have gone from 293 lbs to 185, but if left to my own devices, part of me still wants to eat like a 293 lb person. I like sugary, fatty, carby foods. They taste really good. I like eating food that tastes good, and more than that, I like eating as much of it as I can.

This is why I've never been able to maintain weight loss in the past. I've said it before-- I'm great at losing weight, but I find it impossible to keep it off. Once I reach a certain point and really feel like a success, the smallest derailment (like getting sick) can get me right off track and back to the usual food orgy. I've noticed that lately I'm eating at fast food places again-- which frankly is about as big of a warning sign as I can get. There's no reason for it other than not being mindful and careful to pack a good lunch, or go to the grocery store so I have appropriate food stocked on hand. I get lazy, careless, and off track and then I'm right back where I was, addicted to the taste and the feeling of carb-lethargy after a binge.

I know what I need to do to get back on track, and I will do it. I guess I just needed to get it out there in black and white.


  1. This post really resonated with me. Like you, losing weight hasn't been the problem - it's the keeping off that's the challenge. Sounds like this time you are much more aware, and have a plan... I know you'll be fine!

  2. Same with me. Losing was not easy but I could do it no problem...keeping it off was! But you can recognize it now before you get out of control. For me before bit would be 20 lbs later, then I'd say screw it!
    Back to basics!

    Hope you're feeling better today!

  3. have you gone to doc for some meds to help control the coughing??? that might relieve your chest AND your anxiety... i know you will find your will and desire to fight that inner carb-coma fat girl again as soon as you're well again. take care!!!

  4. Sorry you're feeling so crummy, Lyla. We've had a cold/cough thing in my house that just hangs on and on. So I empathize. As for food and maintaining weight loss, you hit the nail on the head for so many of us. Comfort eating, binge eating = self medicating with food. But of course it's not real only digs us into a deeper hole. What would be real TLC you could give yourself right now?

  5. P.S. If you and your readers would be so kind as to send me your email addresses, I'd LOVE to add you to my "invitation only" private blog. I'm gearing up for the lap band surgery and definitely need the community!! My email is

  6. Oh I do hope you get over your cold without needing to cough so much. I understand your concern though I don't have a lap band myself. Big hugs xx

  7. YES! Last week, the 230 lb girl came flooding back and possessed my body...taking me to fast food joints that I have frequented in MONTHS. It's amazing how quickly old habits come flooding back. I don't know at what point I'll ever get past that...maybe never??? I'm back on track this week and just gotta push past the carb cravings. Good luck to you and I hope you feel better soon!

  8. Good plan to get back on track...there are no failures...just delayed can do it! :)