Serious Business

I have been joking that shopping has taken over for my food addiction, but when I take a look at my behavior, I think it's true-- not a joke.

There are a couple of issues at play. One, we sort of decided that we're strongly leaning toward being childless by choice (not trying one last time after I lose weight-- the reason I got the surgery, actually) and that comes with the realization that we are two professionals living without a huge financial obligation. In other words, we're finally making pretty good money for only two people to have to live on so we've got disposable income. Second, going clothes shopping and continuously fitting in smaller and smaller sizes is a hugely reinforcing NSV. So not only have I been telling myself "I can afford this", I've also been telling myself "I deserve this."

It's gotten to the point where I'm worried though. For the last two months I've had to transfer money from savings before the end of the month (not cool) and even more worrisome than that, I've spent the last week or two of the month actively looking forward to the next month so I can go shopping again.

My mother is compulsive with spending money (shopping, and even more horribly, gambling) and I have always promised myself that I would not be like her. She and her husband are in a desperate place financially (bankrupt for the 2nd time in her life, and the IRS is garnishing her wages) and its not like I am ANYWHERE near that, but boy does this seem like it has the potential to spin out of control.

So here is my public vow. March will be the month of no new clothes. March will be the month of no new shoes. March will be the month of no unnecessary spending.

I'll let you know how it goes.

MMMM, eat this

Maybe I'm the last person to know these exist, but with all of the ice cream lovers around blog-land, even one person not knowing about these is one too many.

Skinny Cow Truffle bars are HUGE and YUMMY. I got the white mint truffle and thought it was creamy, flavorful goodness. 100 calories, 19g carbs.

Yum Yum Getcha Sum.

Blah Blah, RedundantCakes

New number on the scale today-- 201.6.

SO FRAKKING CLOSE!

Still struggling a bit this week with (head?) hunger. I don't think I need a fill, because when I eat too fast things go down slow. I've never been stuck but it's felt close a couple of times this week (like today, with my Dr. Kracker 3-seed flatbread topped with chicken salad- that cracker did not want to go down nicely). I'm leaning toward mid-cycle hormone fluctuations but I guess I'll have to ride it out and see. In any case, as long as I'm losing I probably won't be motivated to mess with my fill.

This week people are coming out of the woodwork to tell me "You look good." Mostly students. It's strange when it's a student. I say thank you, and genuinely mean it, but then I change the topic immediately. I don't know why it's so weird but it is-- and totally different than a colleague or friend or family member saying it.

The Addict

So yesterday my reading comprehension sucked, and I misread a fellow blogger's request NOT to get tough love as a request FOR tough love. I feel bad about it, and apologized, and I promise to be more careful in my reading from now on.

But, it did get me thinking about something that I'd bet the good majority of us go through. The challenge of VACATION.

Raise your hand if you ever put off a diet to start "after I get back from vacation"?

Raise your hand if you've ever said "It's vacation, so I'm just going to plan on unhealthy eating"?

Both my hands are raised right now, for sure. It happened during our last vacation in July '10, where I had scheduled my surgery and went on vacation and celebrated by eating an entire coconut creme pie (well, technically my husband and I shared two) over the course of a week, on top of regular food orgy behavior at all scheduled meals. I came back heavier than when I left and felt like such crap that I immediately put myself on a low-carb pre-op diet for the next month and a half. The good news is that it led me to lose between 20 and 30 lbs before my surgery but I don't ever want to feel that way again.

We have booked this summer's trip to an all-inclusive in the DR. I have vowed to myself that I will eat like a regular bandster this year. I'm just not going to let my vacation be defined by how much food I can eat.

Now, part of my brain (your brain) might be screaming, "but it's vacation! I should be able to take a break and do whatever I want on vacation!".

But I'm beginning to see that as a fallacy. I can do what I want on vacation. But should I?

I'm not sure how I feel about equating obesity to a food addiction, but I ask myself this: How healthy would it be for an alcoholic, or a heroin addict, or a sex addict to say "But it's vacation!", and then use it as an excuse to use drugs/alcohol or go trolling for underage prostitutes in foreign countries ?(hee! yes, I just compared us to pedophiles-- my apologies)

It wouldn't be. We could all look at that and shake our heads in pity, or condemnation.

So why are we so comfortable letting ourselves off the hook when we go on vacation?

I promise I am not being holier than thou, here. I have a lifetime history of treating vacation like it's a break from reasonable eating. But the more I think about it, the more I think that is the worst possible head space for me. And when I go on vacations this year I'm going to make it a goal to make good band-friendly choices and allow the non-food components of my vacation to be where I find freedom and relaxation. I'll let you know how I do on that :)

Good, Bad, Ugly

Good:
Earlier this week I saw 203 on the scale twice, which puts me at 90 lbs lost. Today I am bounced back up to 204.8 but that is a "normal" fluctuation for me so in my head I'm still 203 :)

My NSV victory this week was that I tried on size 12 shorts and pants of two different brands at two different stores and was able to button and zip both. I had a big juicy muffin top, so I'm certainly not gonna buy size 12 yet, but it was thrilling nonetheless.

Bad:
I've struggled a bit this week with food choices. I've been on a carb kick which I think is messing with my head hunger. Friday night I ate an entire order of fried mushrooms. Uh, yeah, probably why I'm fluctuating up instead of down on that 203. The other issue is that I've identified a cycle-related pattern, where right around ovulation I stall out (and want carbs) and then I lose when I start my period. I should be ovulating right about now so here's to holding on through the ride.

Ugly:

This morning I took a picture of myself in my pjs. This was my favorite t-shirt (and these still are my favorite yoga pants) from my highest weight. I'm swimming, big time. The t-shirt is 3xl and I'm wearing a large in t-shirts now. But I can't give this one up because it is my BSG (Battlestar Galatica) t-shirt and I lurves it.

Sexy.

Zumba, Glee, and the Kama Sutra

This weekend continued my "get out of the house and live" mantra for the new post-band me.

Did Zumba twice-- kicked my butt twice. Can't wait until I'm in shape enough to keep myself at a high intensity level the whole time.

On Saturday night I went to one of the local college's annual "Glee" shows (song and dance competition). They spend a LOT of money on it so it has a live camera (cam on a swinging crane) video feed and pre-produced video segments to introduce the acts. Very impressive overall. It was a good time, and I looked good in my size 14 skinny jeans.


I also treated myself to a mani-pedi for V-Day and then told my husband he bought it for me, so I had to wear my stilettos instead of boots so I could show off my tootsies.


Then last night I went to a masked erotic art show that benefited the local rape crisis center. It was a neat idea to celebrate the chosen sexuality of women. I'm a volunteer with the center so I worked the door for a bit, and then I worked the room- haha. I ended up buying two small prints based on the Kama Sutra (tastefully done, bare backsides only though it is obvious they are doin' it). There was some amazing, and risque stuff there. I was working during the belly dancing so I didn't see it, unfortunately, but there was also tango dancing, a wandering sax player, and fortune tellers. Fun fun night and based on my time taking money at the door, Rape Response will have made a good chunk of change.

My house is still as dirty as it was when I got off work on Friday, which I suppose is the cost of living life outside the house, but it was certainly worth it.

The Face

I love face progression pictures, so I'm gonna post some! Plus, who doesn't love a good phone-camera self portrait marathon? Huh? Nobody, that's who.

March 2009, highest weight (293), officially started my supervised diet this month before surgery delayed almost a year for insurance issues

August 2010, at 270-- after supervised diet and beginning pre-op diet
I had my surgery 1 month after this pic was taken weighing 264

December, 2010 weighing around 230

February, 2011 at 205
(please excuse how goofy I look and my ultra glam sweatshirt)

If it weren't for how gray my hair is getting, I'd say I'm looking a lot younger than 35 years old. And I know you can't see the gray in the picture, so you'll just have to trust me on this. I have my very own silver highlights, much like silver lame glamour glitter, and though my fondness for shiny things has been noted on before, I draw the line at hair-bedazzling.

ETA: I also just realized that though I often make fun of the actor David Boreanaz (Bones, Angel, Buffy) for his humongous fivehead, I have no room to talk. My forehead is huge!


In other news, many thanks to Tina and Lisa for sending me new people from their blogs! I am happy to see new faces always, and I always try to "follow-back" people who follow me. If you're the type to notice these things and I *haven't* followed you back, post and let me know so I can get on the ball :)

Still some clothes left, although I've had a few emails from lovely ladies I'm happy to share with.

Pass It On

I have some clothes that I'm ready to send off to others. If you'd like something, please email me at my gmail account (stateofzen) and I will get your address.

I can promise that they have been washed, but I cannot promise they won't come with stray dog hairs (I have a shedder, it is impossible to guarantee no hair).

To the best of my knowledge, all of these clothes are stain free (spots in photos are just flukes as far as I can tell) and in fair to excellent condition.

Please feel free to pass this on to others.



ETA: All taken this time :) Thanks for helping me pass them on.

Crackers, Clothes, & the Number 85

For those of you who like crackers and/or crunchy things, I really recommend these crisps. I found them in the deli section of a Walmart Supercenter of all places. Nine crackers are 35 calories and 7g carbs. They aren't very salty, which I also really like.

I did yet another closet clean-out today (man, I have gotten rid of a TON of clothes). I don't have many followers, but if any of you (or anyone you know) wears anything from an 18-22, 2x-3x and want to see some pictures, let me know. My thrift store has cleaned up already, I'm happy to share with fellow bandsters instead if anyone wants.

And, as usual, I dropped a couple pounds right before my period started, weighing at 207.6 for the past two days. That is 85 lbs down from my high point!